I feel like he broke me. I feel like my whole childhood and every memory I have of my father was just chipped into a porcelain china doll, not breaking it, but causing invisible cracks that wait for the first blow and then crumble to dust.
A big aspect of this blog for me is self-analyzation, in some way I believe that if I can understand my own thoughts, behaviours and actions, then I can learn to live with myself the way I am. Why I am like this...
I've read a blog today, and it was so triggering I felt like I had written every word this other person had and I just didn't know it. It scared me so much I had to stop reading.
It got me thinking, what if I spend my whole life trying to answer 'why' when the whole time I've been asking the wrong question? I'm so afraid of failure. When I can't handle the reality in front of me I let my mind wander far far into the future and it devastates me.
I have no idea who I am.
I used to spend hours locked in my room, grounded for some other small infraction or another, and write lists and lists and lists of everything I like and don't like. Things I want to do and things I hate. Then trying to fit myself into some label, definition or category. So I can prove that I exist, 'I'm here! I'm real, I'm a type X column 7 blue'
I've always thought of myself as a chameleon, or an invisible butterfly of some sort. Something that is never the same, constantly adapting, consistently shifting to change to her surroundings. That's why my group of friends are so sporadic and eclectic. I choose them, and create myself into a person I think they would like. I get to be a different person all the time. It takes a lot more thought and energy than you would think.
With Andrew it was like all of that never existed. The person I was with him never had to pretend to be anyone else, never had any insecurities, she was strong. She was loved.
I have no idea who I am, I never have.
i wish i could unbreak you, it must have been so hard, I read your story, my dad is like that too, its easy to say "just get over it" but those things stick w/ u for the rest of ur life...whichever case, I hope you will find love again & u r u, just u:) not any mold or type of person. Simply u, beautiful & lovely u:) stay strong<3
ReplyDeleteI relate to so much of what you've written, especially about your father and now knowing who you are. Tthough it is nice to know either of us are alone in this, it's also unfortunate that anyone has to experience it at all. It reminds of of something my elementary school teacher once said that was kind of silly but very true; that feelings are like a sheet of paper, once you crumble it, the wrinkles will always remain.
ReplyDeleteI like what you said about asking the right questions though. It's one thing to analyze and understand "why" you are the way you are, but understanding "how" you can move beyond it is a much different and difficult thing to tackle.
Either way, you're not alone and I support you on your effort in working through all of that. <3
You dont need to know who you are. Not yet. There is time. I feel as though I am a hundred different people ready to adapt to any situation. I feel as you do. Maybe being a chameleon is good. And maybe you are perfect just the way you are. Maybe each persona you become is just a little part of you. A small section that you promote and demote depending on the people you are with.
ReplyDeleteMaybe none of us ever really know who we are.
But if you are looking, here everyone will help you find what you are looking for. Whatever that may be <3
I know the feeling. You're not alone. You have us. x
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