I know its been a while since I've last posted, and its really unfair to everyone (or anyone) out there who is reading this but I'm feeling so alone right now. The last month I've barely been eating, I haven't  "binged" once (knock on wood) and I have to psych myself up just to put food in my mouth, convince myself it's okay, it's safe, everything will be fine if you eat it. Telling myself over and over again that things will be okay, the world wont fall apart if I swallow. But then I feel so alone and lonely and wonder 'why?' If I've been starving and so determined to shrink into myself why can't I have everything else? I've withdrawn from all of my close friends, I don't go out at all anymore. I just stay home and smoke pot. Where there are all my safe foods, where all of my meals are planned out an easily accessible. I feel like somehow I've just become this completely other person who is anti-social, choosing to stay home even when friends try and convince me to go out. Then feeling helpless when my phone is silent all day long. People eventually stop texting me back because I have been such a bitch, not putting any effort into my relationships.
It started when I finally told Andrew how I felt. And everything fell apart. I was so completely petrified I got sick involuntarily right before I even told him. I stayed in bed for 3 days and couldn't eat or move or talk to anyone. All I could think was 'he never loved me'. Everything I had been thinking I guess I built up in my head. But then when I say that instinctively this voice tells me 'NO!' that I'm wrong and if I just eat a little bit less than yesterday, he'll love me.
My best friend went to visit her family over the holidays for 3 weeks and I saw her for the first time yesterday and although she didn't say anything I saw the shock on her face for a second when she hugged me and really noticed the weight loss. I don't own a scale so I wish I could tell you guys what my exact weight is but I'm fitting comfortably into a size 4. I'm able to wear the jeans I was wearing this time last year, which is a huge step for me. I'm dying to know my actual number though. It's fucking killing me. The problem is my upper body gets really bony while my stomach hips and thighs seem to retain all my fat so I get this grotesque pear shape and I just want to fucking cut it all off. I want to physically beat myself up and leave bruises everywhere, just to see if I could get away with it, cover it up.
Tomorrow is my first day of University, and Andrew is in one of my classes, first thing in the morning tuesdays and fridays. All of this work over the holidays has been for his reaction. He's told me now that he's dating someone else. So its not just that he's too fucked up for a relationship, it's that he doesn't want one with me. It's killing me. I have no idea what to do. I tried to talk to him about it and he made it seem like I was going crazy. I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't keep my thoughts straight, I keep forgetting what I'm doing, my memory is shiet, everyone thinks I'm this giant stoner now because I've been smoking more weed and the effects of Ana make me seem more stoned, even when I'm not.
I just want to see his face when he sees how thin I am. I want him to think 'FUCK!' I want him to want me back, so fucking bad and I hate how much I want it which just makes me hate myself even fucking more.
I hate taking showers now. I ball my eyes out and torture myself, scrutinizing every inch of my body as I peel off my clothes to reveal more fat fat fat. I watch it jiggle and move around, I turn from side to side, try out different postures, try and see what people see when they see me. All I see is hate. And all I feel is lonely. It makes sense.
You know how they say that Ana's body image gets warped, that what you start seeing in the mirror, isn't actually whats real. That has got to be the most terrifying fact I could have ever learned. I am an extremely hyper-aware super-sensitive being who believes that knowledge is power. If what I'm seeing and believing and trying to understand isn't real, then what is the whole fucking point? Does this happen to everyone? Does this only apply to your body or can it happen with real life situations?
I have no idea where to go from here, I'm trying to push myself and be more social but when I try and fake happiness or laughter or joy or contentment it is so half-hearted I look like a dis-interested bitch. I can't talk about what happened with Andrew to anyone. I texted one of my best friends a few days after it happened just sending a disclaimer that by no means do I want it talked about, brought up, mentioned or even acknowledged. When she told me that she understands and if and when I am ready to talk she'll be here for me. I replied with "I love you, but I swear to God I can't even handle it mentioned just don't"
Because I am a fucking awful human being.
Im so sorry.