There I was again tonight

Well, my Christmas and New years was a complete and total bust. I knew I shouldn't have psyched myself up over J's gift, but once someone implants the idea of a proposal in your mind, its kinda hard to get out. He gave me a beautiful black low back corset and panties, a ticket to this giant NYE party, and the kicker, the "your mom will definitely know what I got you after I give it to you"... tupperware. Because when I cook for him I give him all my tupperware for lunch leftovers and he didn't want to end up in my mothers 'bad books' by taking all her tupperware. (seriously) It's a thoughtful gift, right? Just soo not what I expected.

The worst part: the lingerie doesn't fit.... I was mortified. I told him B34 but I guess my tits are bigger than that, and I'm fatter than that because my stomach was just spilling out of it. It was so hard to do up and he made me try it on in front of him. It was the most humiliating moment and I tried to stand there looking sexy while just trying not to fall apart. He felt so bad, he even had to drive across the border to pick it up because they wouldn't ship here. So now he wants to get me a different one in a new size and I just kept telling him that I'll make it fit. I'm going to starve myself into that damn corset. Its great for under dresses and stuff because it holds you all together, but the spilly parts at my hips are fucking hideous and I would never want anyone to see that. Then the dress that I ordered in an XS didn't fit. Because I'm a cocky shit who thought she could just binge and purge her way into thinness, without the bloated stretched tummy and swollen limbs. So threw on my go-to Rachel Roy black number and Roberto Vianni black leather cut-out peep-toe pumps and a sock bun to this huge party. Where J promised to give me a proper new years kiss. But a few minutes before the count down J went to the bathroom and we missed it. Which I was pretty upset about but its not as if it means anything.

I've been doing some quick fasts. I want to eat small portions frequently but I'm just so scared I'll binge. Yesterday I didn't eat anything until dinner, where I made veggie curry with tofu over quinoa for J and I (his had poached curried halibut) After I ate it my stomach clenched an iron fist around the meal and couldn't tell what direction to send it in. Not a great meal choice to break a fast but I figured it'd expell pretty quickly. Then I got stoned and thought it'd be okay to eat because I hadn't really all day, therefore it wasn't a'binge' which doesn't even make sense but you know, whatever. I purged it back up and then had a banana to sleep. Today I'm not even hungry. I'll have a coffee soon because I'll need it. Then I'm hoping to actually get outside and go for a hike or something. On saturday Tina and I went out to walk her dog and went on this great little hike and it was such a good way to get some excercise, I want to keep doing it.

February is going to be a big month. Obviously the 14th is Valentines day, the 17th is J's 27th birthday, and the 24th is our 1 year anniversary. Lots of nights I need to look jaw dropping thin.

Fuck Fat!