Hunger

I'm back in control and I feel on top of the world. Nothing makes me feel more powerful than fasting. This morning I called my grandfather and ended up spending the day with him at the office learning about wine. It made me feel purposeful, and gave me motivation.

All I've eaten today is a yogurt 70 cal and I was planning on having another low (<200cal) snack in a bit just to keep up my metabolism. I've tried being 'healthy'... or at least thats what I thought I was doing. I was eating 800-1200 calories a day and trying to get myself to work out every other day. I became bored, I wanted the feeling of hunger.

That dizzying feeling that puts the faintest smile on your face because that's all you have energy for. The rumble and churning inside you that signifies change. Hunger is my drug. I haven't purged at all today and I'm happy about that. But I talked to my grandfather about Christmas and he told me, 'You can't just eat vegetables for dinner again!'...

I fear that this is my end. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this charade about school. I don't know how I will explain myself. I've failed, again. Just as I fail at everything. I am far too easily discouraged, far too easily unmotivated, far too worthless to amount to anything. I fear that something will happen when my family finds out, and how I've wondered for so long if they have all known... I'm afraid they'll send me away...

love always,
loveylou