embarassment round 2

Why the FUCK can't I just stay away from food?? I started off today good, I ate some scrambled egg whites, then a peach.. then it's like my mind goes blank and I'm staring at these empty plates of pasta and cookies and milk and thinking to myself 'What the fuck have I done?'
I look in the mirror and I am absolutely disgusted with my bloated stomach. I purged until I saw carrots, which seemed safe and I remember eating them vaguely. I am so disappointed in myself and I fully believe that when I eat, bad things will happen to me. I just got onto good terms with Andrew and I'm terrified that my binging will send it all down hill sometimes. I'm trying to use this as motivation but the half of me that is dying to be normal seems to keep taking over. I dont want to be normal! I want to be thin, and fantastic and wonderful. I want to be waif like with long elegant limbs. I want it so bad. I look around me and watch all of these tv shows and movies of the thin girls getting everything they've wanted, everything they've dreamed of and I know that that could be me, if I could just keep my fucking greedy hands off of food! I don't NEED it!
Everytime I want to eat I'm going to stare at my stomach and ask myself 'If I eat this, will it make me fat?"
Everytime I decide that I am allowed to eat something I am going to have it sit infront of me for 10 minutes to prove that I am not binge eating, that I am able to resist but am making the decision to eat something.
I will religiously do situps in my bedroom every night before bed, which will help me sleep better.
I will drink atleast 2L of water a day.
I will not exceed 500 calories in a day. I will strive for 300.
I will plan every meal, calculate every calorie, no freebies, before consuming.
I wil not let myself get away with anything.
If I binge I will liquid fast for 2 days to teach myself a lesson.
I am tired of being fat. There is this whole other thin angel stuck inside me, drowning in the lard and fat that I keep pouring down my throat. I am killing her, who I am meant to be become. She is dying because I can't stop eating.

No more excuses. I'm starting a liquid fast as of right now.
Water, diet soda, tea, and broth.
Nothing else. It's my body and I'm taking control NOW.

"Riot & Diet"

Love Always,

Ana's Angel

xo