Punta Cana

 It's official, our vacation is booked! J and I will be spending 6 days together in The Dominican Republic!! First we'll be flying across the country to spend a night in Toronto just the two of us because I've never seen it before, then meeting his parents to spend 2 days in his hometown. I'm a bundle of energy right now...

excitednervousanxiousworried.

First, we're using a free voucher we received from our vacation to Cabo San Lucas but I still really should not be spending money on travel... Second, I feel like I might have pressured him to take me home, we had a bit of a spat about it a few weeks ago when I jokingly made a comment that I'd never meet them and when I insisted that I wasn't mad about it he got even more frustrated, like he wanted to get a reaction out of me? But now we'll be living with them for 2 days, and he's from a very small farm town and his family is fairly conservative with a very religious background.  I'm actually mostly nervous about my food selection however. Because usually my answer would just be to not eat anything and insist that I'm just not hungry and that I generally have a small appetite and make up excuses about eating before etc. However his mother is a nurse, and when J first told her that I was a vegetarian her first response was, "Oh, are you sure she's not anorexic?" It took my breath away when he told me, it was the day we first told each other 'I love you'. I got upset about it and pretended to be insulted to cover my fear. Since then he's made a few other comments with the A word but I've fended them off. I worry that I'll HAVE to eat big family meals 3 times a day right before going on a vacation where I"ll be in a bikini all day and hate myself. I'm assuming there will be at least 1 big family get together to introduce me (they had lots of questions for J when he went home at Christmas) but I'll have to find sneaky ways to get around calorie consumption.

Obviously I'm also quite nervous to meet his parents. When he met my family, we had been dating for a few months and it was my birthday dinner at my grandparents. But it's a little more intimidating to live with them, after we've been dating for a year. The good news is, I'm using this nervous energy to focus into dieting. That, and the idea of me in a bikini. My only pre-emptive strategy here is to loose so much weight that even if I have to eat with J's family, I'll still be low enough to be happy. Realistically, I know a gain will destroy me but I have to prepare for it.

It doesn't help that I binged yesterday either. I planned on having 1 cup whole wheat pasta with home made tomato sauce, roasted red pepper and veggie grounds but I purged that and then the cycle started. I even made a pizza which I purged as well. I was lazy and exhausted like the shit I am and consumed 2 granola bars @ 160cal/ea, chocolate @ 350cal, toast with peanut butter and butter with jam @400cal,  grapes @ 300cal, orange @ 100cal, tofu chickn patty w/ sweet chilli sauce @ 220cal 2 bananas @ 200cal, holy fuck... I had already eaten my spinach and mozza omlette @175cal and a bowl of strawberries @150cal... I don't want to do the math thats 2,215cal... considering my memory lets say 2,500cal. Fuck me. Today I'm going to eat very small meals, and space them far apart and then start planning tomorrow to keep me focused. All I've had is my coffee with almond milk @45cal and I want to do some ab and leg work, maybe even a walk in the rain.

love always,
loveylou