I'm Living on Such Sweet Nothing

Last week, J and I got to spend more time together than usual, spread out during the week which made it easier to keep my intake under control. I can never binge or eat anything bad in front of him, or if I know I will be seeing him soon. I need to maintain a certain image. Thursday he came over for a Valentines Day dinner with a dozen red roses, and all I'd eaten that day was coffee and a pomegranate. I felt great. I made tofu steaks with spinach salad, roasted potato wedges (which I had 2 =1/4 small potato) with sauteed green beans and mushrooms. Kept my wine to a minimum and didn't binge later on because I felt like I'd actually been eating throughout the day thanks to a caffeine. As he was leaving he kissed me and held my face in his hands and said, 'It may have taken me 27 years, but I finally found You'. I go weak in the knees, seriously. The next morning I woke up and felt blissfully empty. Once you taste the feeling of starvation theres no turning back, its worse than crack. So I fasted all day, until I knew I had a girls night. We got take out sushi from our favourite little hole-in-the-wall place, opened up a few bottles of wine given to me by my Grandfather, and rolled a few joints. I had a veggie roll, an avocado roll, and a yam roll. I shouldn't have had the yam roll, I was being really easy on myself. It seems whenever I stray even the slightest bit (like shouldn't I have gotten a cucumber roll and a miso soup?!) then I'm fucked. Midnight rolled around and the munchies kicked in so we made chocolate chip cookies, with real butter, and high quality chocolate. I ate at least 7 or 8 of them, but drank a ton of water. My stomach finally felt like I was going to explode and the anxiety of the fat sticking to me became too much. I went straight home and purged until I felt empty and saw some of the sushi, then straight to bed.

On Valentines Day I wore a beautiful backless halter chiffon dress in dark plum that meant I couldn't wear a bra. I felt so naked and J just kept hugging me the whole night and I know he was feeling all the bones in my back, gently kissing down my spine as I try to focus on the stove. He kept grabbing my ass and hip bones with his hands, because now they both can fit in his strong hands. I hated myself for thinking this but it just appeared in my mind, and I smiled at the thought...

"Now I know for sure he truly loves me, because I am thin..."

Saturday I did some cleaning, which was great excercise and uses muscles I don't normally use. My house is very narrow and 3 floors so I end up doing at least 20 sets of stairs a day, great for your ass. Had lots of coffee and then finally a banana just before going to J's. We made a veggie quinoa stirfry with this sweet chilli sauce that has 5cals per Tbl and is fantastic! There are only 5 ingredients and they are all natural its this UFW brand. I did have 3 glasses of white wine that night but I wanted something to help me relax. Yesterday I had cantaloupe for breakfast, baby carrot sticks for lunch, and a salad of cherry tomatoes, yellow pepper, spinach, cucumber in EVOO with balsamic vinegar and chopped basil and minced roasted garlic. Pineapple was for dessert and I realized, 'All I've eaten today are fruits and vegetables!!" So when I came home I had a banana and today I don't even want to eat. I have my regular latte with 1 cup almond milk (40cal) and splenda and I want to make my spinach and mozza omlette with egg beaters but I don't think I'll really eat it until 4:00 or so. I keep lookng down at how my arms are shaped and the way my wrist bones just out and how I can feel my ribs when I wrap my arms around myself and how bony my knees look and the gap that gets wider between my thighs. It's improvement, but not perfection.

love always,

loveylou