"I like thin girls"

"I like thin girls"

He tells me as we lie in bed, waiting for sleep to arrive. A few of his last girlfriends have been so thin, his mother questioned whether or not they had an eating disorder themselves, one was even a model.
This has been repeating without stop since saturday night when it was said. I was already having a shitty day, having binged the day before and feeling already bloated and self-concious naked; I couldn't get any sleep that night. It carried over to the next day, and he knew I wasn't acting myself and asked me a handful of times what was going on. Anything he said was a perverted way of telling me that I am just not good enough. Finally for dinner that night we had pasta, something I wasn't planning on but couldn't deny him because he asked for 'That really amazing pasta dish you made for your mom and I a few weeks ago'. I cried on his bed afterwards until he noticed and begged me to tell him what was going on. I kept telling him I was just tired, but he didn't believe a word of it and just covered me with himself telling me I'm tearing him apart and to please open up and talk to him. The last thing I want him to know is exactly how insecure I am, as if I'm doing an oscar-worthy job as it is.

Last weekend, J found some evidence that I've still been smoking pot, something he completely loathes in entirety and does not understand. It might as well be heroin to him, and if you do any kind of drug, that makes you an addict. That black and white thinking drives me crazy sometimes, but maybe life would be more simple. He found ash on the carpet which I insisted has been there for months, as he knows I used to blaze but know is under the impression that I do not. We got over it, but it put doubt in his mind. We went for a walk around downtown and he told me that as frustrating as his job is, its not as if there is much he can do about it, as he is constrained to this city for what, the next 2 years, until I finish school. Ha, except I have zero credits and am not in school... Tally that one up to the guilt pile. He said that he was just making sure we both want the same things, which is scary for me to hear.

Eventually, almost everything was laid on the table. I told him that I'm starting to realize no matter what I do, it will never be good enough to make me feel worthy in anyway. The expectations I place on myself are far too high, and I've convinced myself to believe that everyone around me who I love, holds me to the same regard, and, if I fail, I fail them too. Making every mistake a catastrophe. We talked about our future together, and what we want. I told him that my defence mechanism is to act the opposite of how I am feeling, to protect what it is that I want; so no one will take it away. So when he talks to me about the picture he has in his head of the two of us married and living together with kids on a big plot of land a little ways outside of the city, and I seem passive towards it, it's really because it's something I want so bad, I don't want to chase him away with my excitement. It's convoluted, I know. He said, 'I'm twenty-six years old, I'm not a kid anymore. I know what I want, and I'm not going anywhere.' I know that I now need to hear those words, out loud, from the horses mouth in order to believe them, whether I feel them to be true or not. Because that's something I never got with Andrew.

I'm still purging daily, it's a corrective measure, but really all it is, is punishment. To focus on the positive, I finally told my mom I'm not in school. She was really supportive and she kind of knew already, which I had anticipated. I think she's seen how much it's eating me alive and that I've been punishing myself enough for my mistakes. But it starts new anxieties because now I can't control the truth; it's out of my hands. I'm sure if she hasn't yet, she will tell my father soon. I can just imagine him smiling to himself and thinking, 'I always knew she would fail'.  Fuck him.

I've also been working on being more social, and getting myself out of the house more. I need to add productivity into my day, it will help me feel better about myself if I can show something for my time and feel useful... In waltzes Ana, draped in a devestating black satin number, draping off her bones holding an old fashioned cigarette holder, promising me the world. ..

"If you don't eat, you will have so much more time for these useful activities you say you will accomplish. Food will just weigh you down, busy yourself and distract yourself from food. You know the feeling you are after, when you lie in bed at night about to go to sleep, tallying up all things consumed to determine whether or not you are worthy for rest. You also know, that no matter how much you get done, if you are eating you will never feel accomplished. If you can keep up with everyone while starving, then you can truly hold yourself to a higher standard than the lowly normal people. You are destined for greatness, my sweet. You can have anything you want, as long as it's calorie-free..."