Tell me all your secrets

My life is so fucked up right now and the only place I can talk about it is here. I miss all of my friends so much. It makes me hate food even more that it gets in the way of my relationships. I hate it so fucking much. I still haven't told anyone about university, and its a day by day struggle to coordinate excuses and events to pass the time until I have no choice. I feel like such a fucking failure because of it. I know that it is something I am capable of, I know I am an intelligent human being.

 School is nothing but one giant trigger for me. It brings back so many painful memories with my father, fighting about test scores, and him calling me lazy and stupid when I couldn't meet his expectations. Then using me as an example for my sister, I can still hear him screaming at her, asking if she wanted to be like 'her sister' and her sobbing and screaming no! Me, failing; over and over and over. Being bullied. Having your friends whisper about the slut who got raped. Then having the most popular girl in school hate you, and make you pay every single day, turn every friend against you, because it was her boyfriend who raped you. Or having your money-shot go around the school, taken by some perv at a dance. Or seeing the boy who means the world to you, pick you up and hug you and make your heart skip all the while knowing he won't be yours. Or seeing that same boy turn and hide from you because you made him truly hate you. Or your father apologizing for his stupid kid to your teachers. Or your principal telling you that you will not graduate, and should be locked up in your house. Or having your english teacher chuckle at the idea of you going to any post-secondary institution because 'you aren't that kind of girl.' 

I'm lying so frequently I'm losing sight of reality myself. Everyone thinks I'm someone different, and eventually I'm not going to be sure who to be anymore. The only time I ever really think I'm happy is when I'm with J, but then he leaves and I'm left feeling so utterly empty. I'm worried I've become far too emotionally dependant on him, and I know that I have. If he's upset, then so am I. I hold onto things for days and it will upset me to until the point of his notice. I worry every single day that I am going to lose him.

I try to eat, but everything feels too heavy in my mouth and makes me feel sick. I have to talk myself through each bite and prepare and breathe and tell myself it's okay before each and every swallow. I forced myself to eat my entire omelette this morning, mostly because I was with J and I knew I really needed the protein. It was all of my safe foods, a 200 calorie spinach mushroom mozzarella with egg beaters and part skim mozza, no oil. But by the time I finished cooking it I didn't even want to eat it. After 1/2 I was full, but still ate. It kept me full all day, until dinner which was a couple spoonfuls of squash and roasted red pepper soup. It was all I could manage until it made me gag. Later on while watching a movie with J I tried a banana and 2 bites in it was gross. My mind just started playing a reel on repeat of things I tell myself about bad foods when I'm trying to avoid a binge. Only the food was in my mouth and I really convinced myself it was garbage. Even though 2 minutes before I gave myself permission to eat it. 

Ana finally won.

Feeling hungry is the only way I feel safe anymore.