Jan19

I truly have some of the most amazing friends in the world. It's funny how sensitive my emotional dial is lately, living off the fly of my seat and waiting for bombs to fall around me can make one a bit... edgy. The other day a close girlfriend of mine popped over and the two of us grabbed our other close friend Tina and had dinner. I could have chosen not to eat, or come up with some excuse but by then we had already been together for 5 or 6 hours so I couldn't tell them I'd just eaten. Honestly I just got swept away in the fun and said fuck it. We got thai food and I got steamed veggies in a garlic soy sauce with a side of rice. White rice. What the fuck was I thinking? Then got a soy hot chocolate (with real belgium chocolate) and tried to purge. Some rice came up but it was all just too thick. Came home and ate more, purged until I saw the veggies I'd eaten. The thing about purging, is it's all so unsafe. So many times when I've purged multiple times nightly, I feel like I've gotten all of one thing up, but later on there just seems to be more of it that ends up in the toilet bowl! It makes me worry every time that I'm not being thorough enough.

Eating has been out of control, surprise. I'm purging daily. Either I wake up and try and fast, then decide I can eat only healthy foods, then purge, or I try and just eat healthy or restrict, and then end up b/ping. There doesn't seem to be a way to win. Today will be different though, I've only had my coffee with splenda and almond milk and I'm hoping to actually get out of my house to get groceries since my mom is away for the weekend, and maybe buy a new scale. I hate hate hate not knowing what my actual weight is, and I hope it will keep me on track.

Edit: I just had a light feta and spinach omelette on egg beaters. I'm planning on also making some whole wheat pasta with tomatoes and parmesan cheese. Then a 200 cal elliptical work out. I'm going to do it, I don't care if my heart starts to hurt or not. Then a strawberry banana protein smoothie and that will be it. Definitely more than enough to satisfy me, plus I've done 100 crunches and some leg work outs that I'm going to do a bit more of throughout the day. Me and my girlfriends were planning on going out tonight, but that includes drinking and thats got a lot of calories. Definitely unsafe, but fun. Tomorrow I'll be with J until monday evening and tuesday I'm helping my grandfather with a wine show which I'm over the moon excited for.

I've got to keep reminding myself that I don't want what happened with my NYE dress to happen for all my parties in February. I need to keep myself on track, long term. That means minimal, planned eating with cardio and crunches. I just need to stay focused.