12.01.13

Last few days have gone okay, despite the high stress. Somehow, I've still managed not to tell anyone about dropping out of university. But the fear of someone finding out is eating me alive. I'm so afraid of the disappointment on my moms face and the shame and humiliation of telling my father that this was something I couldn't do. I know I can do, but I keep telling myself that I can't and I sabotage myself until it's true.

I've also had the flu for the past 5 days which has been brutal. I have hyperthyroidism from an auto-immune disease and it makes me really susceptible to colds and flus as my immune system is weak, and makes my sicknesses twice as hard on my body, as it is already weak. Yesterday when I woke up I seriously thought about swallowing a handful of cold pills and pain killers to sleep me through to next week. My fever was out of control, I was freezing cold, rapidly shivering to the point where my muscles would paralyze and I couldn't walk. Wrapped up in layers of blankets and I couldn't get warm enough, felt like vomiting every minute of the day, and not just the nausea aspect. The hotness, mouth watering, dizzying panic that accompanies a non-induced vomit. But the only thing I had was a protein smoothie at the end of the day because I knew I needed some kind of substance to draw strength on in order to get better.

As twisted as it is, just because of yesterday I'm in some way thankful for this flu because it's gotten me back on track. I have this lovely sized gap in-between my thighs even when my feet touch, but its only at the top part. I can see the top of my ribcage again, and the fat that was at the side of my hips is slimming into a nice line. Still so much work. My stomach needs to get way tighter, with a much more sharp waist at my ribcage. I could work out my arms a little bit too. Not much, just some weights so they are tight. And get back on the elliptical as soon as I'm better. My hair is getting longer now, which I love it makes me feel so much more feminine. It was never all that short but ever since I was little I always had long long hair. I'm going to buy a teeth whitening kit as well. I've got to look my best all February long and so January is prep month! Definitely need a few good tans, I looked in the mirror today and flu or no flu I'm a snowflake! Also need to dye my hair, there are too many noticeable grey ones now. Yes, I found my first grey hair at 19... can you seriously believe it?!

Anyways, thank you for all your comments on my last post. J is definitely amazing, and things with him have been a fairy tale from the beginning. (Even if I didn't get a ring at Christmas!) He really is incredible, and thats the reason I do all that I do to look good. He deserves better than me, so the least I can do is be the best possible version of myself to mind that gap. Maybe if I'm pretty enough and skinny enough and my hair was longer and better and my teeth were perfect and my skin was flawless, then my other flaws would be manageable; tolerable. Even if he doesn't see that way, I know that I do. So if I can't even believe the best of myself, how do I expect him to? How do I believe him when he tells me I'm beautiful and that I mean the entire world to him and he loves me? It seems impossible to me.

On one hand I see the unreason in this because I know I am a good person, but a truly do not believe I deserve to be happy. It does not matter how much or how often I do good, I just did not believe I would find happiness. It's engrained into me that I am unworthy. My insecurities often arise into arguments with J, in some way or another. I either assume he believes his problems or thoughts are more important than mine, simple because I hold him to a higher standard. I twist his words in my head to feed my demons that tell me I'm fat and ugly and unworthy, and tell myself that J is really saying those things to me. I have to, because I have to keep starving, and purging.

love always,
loveylou