Diet Documentary Day 23

It was a hard road back to organized eating once I gave myself a freebie. I managed to keep it all under control, and yes I did purge a few times. (though not enough, in my opinion...) I would go all day without eating, or skip breakfast and then eat a mid-afternoon meal, feel too full and que binge. I always seem to binge after I see J. I chalk it up to how calm and happy I feel that I just don't give a hoot about counting calories. Plus, I usually eat less when I'm with him, because he sees me naked, so when I come home I'm a lot more hungry than usual. As well, I end up getting really stoned because when I'm with J I'm with him for a few days, and that means no pot.

Anyways, yesterday was magical with J. We had the most incredible sex ever! We hadn't seen each other for over a week and I'm fairly certain that's the longest we've ever been apart since we started dating. We stopped by a health foods grocer and had a picnic on the beach in this semi-secluded little cove just before sunset. As J is about to drop me off, he asks to come in to use the bathroom. Luckily I had somewhat cleaned up a bit and hid my marijuana-paraphinilia but there was clear evidence everywhere in my room. My bathroom is right next to my room, and I forgot to clean up an open bobby pin I use to pick out my bowls. It was somewhat hidden underneath this little container thing but it's giving me a ton of anxiety. J was acting kinda weird when he came back down, but I can't tell if it was just because he wasn't feeling well. I didn't question or push him on it because if it was what I was afraid of, I would have had no choice but to come clean. I'm really hoping this is just all in my head and I'm over analyzing and over reacting but my gut tells me something a little different.

Today was the first day working on my own at the office with my Grandfather. I watched him sign a multi-million profit deal with a european company for an international import/export business. Not bad for a Tuesday; eye-popping for a first day. I was really nervous about making a mistake but both him and his business partner seem to understand that 1 week is not adequate training and so they are still guiding me which is great. However, we have these frank conversations about me taking on more responsibilities and trying to absorb our contractors hours because she's being grossly over payed. I'm making huge life career-making, family-breaking decisions at 21 while hiding an eating disorder and a drug crutch to mask high-anxiety and controlling type behaviors all while STILL lying to my boyfriend about being a university student, living at home, and in debt. With shit like this happening it just makes me seriously consider not going back to school. I did force myself to send in my applications just under the deadline, which I'm relived about.

Here's what today looked like.

Breakfast
1/2C Kale 0
1 Apple 50
1 Banana 100
2C Water

150 Cal
1g Fat
2g Protein

Lunch

Lunch! :)

2C Spinach 0
5 Cherry Tomatoes 25
1/2C Cucumber 0
1 Stalk Celery 0
1/4C Chick Peas 85
15 Almonds 100
1/2C Strawberries 25
1/2 Orange Peper 10
1 tsp Olive Oil 40
2 Tbl Vinegar 10

295 Cal
15g Fat
15g Protein

Snack
Grapefruit 50

Dinner
3/4C Egg Beaters 90
1/4C Part-Skim Mozzarella 80
1/2C Broccoli 10
1/2C Spinach 0
Basil, Oregano, Pepper 0

180 Cal
7g Fat
25g Protein

Snack
1/2C Pineapple 50

Total
725 Cal
23g Fat
42g Protein

I needed a low day to gain back some control and shrink my stomach to proper size. I went to yoga today only to find out as soon as I got to the studio that today is the first day of their new spring/summer schedule, so now my yoga class is moved to right when I finish work! Such a bummer, I might have to start going to hot yoga, although I'm seriously concerned I'd faint. I have had heart troubles for a few years now because I have hyperthyriodism disorder. Anyways, I walked home which was 16 blocks up hill and then spent another hour cleaning my bathroom and room after the scare with J. I'm going to do some sit ups before bed as well.
love always,
loveylou