e-meds-tional

Last week I went to the naturpath to solve some underlying health issues, namely insomnia and some problems with my monthly cycle and subsequent symptoms. I was really really nervous to go, so my mom blew $400 at the mall with me just before we went, which I'm pretty sure was a staged event to reinforce a positive memory into the trip rather than the nonchalant, 'Oh look- a mall, hey don't you need new winter sweaters hunny?'

Nontheless the appointment went great, I completely left out my eating disorder of course but ended up with some treatment to help some of their symptoms coincidentally. For instance, to help relieve my stress and help me fall asleep she prescribed Tila Root drops, which are amazing! They are all natural so it's not like you take a Valium and are zonked, it makes you clear and calm. Even when I think about high-anxiety topics like failing school or eating that pasta last night or do I or do I not go out in public today I feel like they are all accomplishable. Because I know in the back of my mind that my anxiety is imaginary- these are not (except school) reasons to stress- the root makes me rational it seems! I did take twice the recommended dose at one time though (though not even coming close to exceeding the daily limit) and my jaw started to go numb a little bit, but it was kinda fun :)

All weekend long I near fasted. J's gotten used to how little I eat, not even asking if I want breakfast some mornings, knowing I'll deny with something or other. The other vitamins the naturpath put me on (B6 & Adrenal Gland support; which she informed me also aids in the break down and burn of fats and supports metoblic reactions yay) I need to eat with food. So I ate as little as possible, a small smoothie (150cals) for breakfast, and a picked out child portion of quinoa stirfry (150cals); sunday I didn't eat all day and then b/p'd when I got home. I can't describe how angry that makes me. When you do so good for so long and then the whole thing goes to shit. The day is not over just because it's dark, calories and fat still count when the sun goes down, goddammit.

This week has been a whole other story. Monday afternoon I come home from J's and shortly later get a call from my mom informing me that my sister is in the hospital. She's okay, gallstones at 18 (she is quite overweight so it's not THAT big of a surprise) but still panic set in. She needs to eat an extremely low fat diet in order not to agitate the stone and therefore send her into a wrath of pain. 2 days later and she's still eating the same. Tuesday find out that my best friend Tina is in the hospital, either kidney or liver infection. Though now on an update she tells me that the doctors have sent her home with absolutely no idea why she is in excruciating pain, or why the antibiotics haven't helped in her pain or symptom management, or why she now has a chronic migraine. She couldn't even speak to me she was so frustrated and emotional and scared. Which in turn has made me frustrated emotional and scared. Some call it empathy but I swear the degree to which I feel pain for the ones I love is strikingly high and real. I haven't eaten all day.

Yesterday I binged. Hard. Purged multiple times, still a lot inside me which luckily has exited quickly. Saw my legs in reflection today at school and actually thought my thighs look decent, narrow even. But then quickly reminded myself that I'm wearing tights and it's just sucking in all your fat for you, it's not real, it doesn't count, you aren't that pretty.

On saturday night, J went out to Ikea and bought candles, poured me a glass of red wine and as we curled up to watch a movie he told me that I am the love of his life.

How could I ever?