Method to Madness

1 Cup self esteem, beaten and whisked
1 Cup perfectionism, strained
2 Cups self hatred
1/2 Cup discipline

Blend and try your best to enjoy.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could just sum it up like that? Like we could explain ourselves in measures so simple and methodical and calculated that it might even seem rational... Unfortunately life is messy, and no two people are the same, and we all want it for different reasons. But the want is our need and that is what binds us.

The last few days I've been eating about 1000 cals. A lot, I know. But I've been on my elliptical every single day burning 500cals of that, and I'm back on the hydroxycut. Yesterday morning I threw up my breakfast apple when my heart rate jumped and stayed to 202... Today will be my 'recovery' day. God I hate the way that sounds... I hate taking a break even more, it makes me feel fat and lazy now. Like I don't deserve to eat if I don't burn off what I hate on me already. Food becomes seemingly unnecessary.  I've been focusing on cardio with ab strength training, seeing as those are my two biggest trouble areas; thighs ass and tummy. My legs already are feeling wonderfully lean, I no longer feel the tops jiggle when I walk and I can take what I could only describe as 'long, clean strides'. My tummy isn't as flabby anymore but the shape is entirely wrong. When I turn to the side I appear slim but my stomach is just too wide. I also have wider set hip bones and a naturally pear shaped body which I hatehatehate.

Does anyone else seem to validate their actions with imaginary behavorial reinforcements from those in their life that give them motivation to starve? I feel like I do this all damn day long with J.
"He didn't kiss me as soon as he woke up because my shirt is riding up and he can see the muffin top my panties caused"
"He hasn't called me all day because he can't stop thinking about how fat I looked last night"
"He asked me if I still go to the gym because I've put on weight and look like a pig"

It's crazy but in my mind it's like I can pretend that this is what he wants me to do, really. He might say one thing but what he really wants is a thin perfect beautiful girlfriend to be proud of and show off. He might say he loves me but he's just saying it because he hopes it inspires me to loose weight for him. When he looks at my plate and tells me that I must be hungry it's really his way of telling me I don't need to eat that much.

But I will get there dammit.