Starting Over

Sometimes I like to think of myself as another being. Like when you were a kid, and went to those 'dress-up Sally' websites, creating a new custom made friend for you to obsess over. You could create beauty out of thin air, short blonde hair one minute and long dark hair the next, you were in control.

Every time you meet someone new, it's almost as if you are presented with the same opportunity. They know absolutely nothing about you- you can be whoever you want. This is what I love about J, starting completely fresh, taken only at face-value. It's so new to me, all of the people in my life have been there for as long as I can remember. Being with someone who doesn't yet know me inside and out and know my past and history does take some getting used to though. I always feel like such a problem, so explaining what's going on with me to him is hard, I feel so unworthy. And WHY the things I am dealing with are hard for me. My uncles big party over the weekend was a huge anxiety-filled event for me and afterwards when I spoke aloud about how nervous I had been, he didn't quite grasp why. I haven't told him about my dad or my family much. He knows that I do not like my dad and we do not talk and that side of the family is a bit crazy and traditional. But his family is very similar, and because he has had different experiences as me, though with much different outcomes or connotation it's almost as if those problems of mine are a write-off. I'm worried that when I tell him the whole story he's just going to see me as broken, or whiny and childish. The last week has been weird, and though we've talked about it and are moving past it, it just reminds me that there is so much he doesn't know. It scares me a lot. He's so damn hard to read, with Andrew I knew what he was thinking before he said it and how he was feeling before he even knew himself. J is unreadable, he is like me, he knows the worth of privacy, and he likes to be a bit mysterious himself by throwing me a smug grin and a sly smile and then kissing me before I get a chance to ask what it's about. It's all very romantic.

I thought I was pregnant. Oddly enough after my sister was complaining that her period was late and she thought she might be, I tried to remember when my last period was and that's when the 'oh-shit' kicked in and I couldn't place it. 10 days late. This never happens, I'm always very regular, even with a hyperthyroid condition. I walked to the closest drug store, bought a pregnancy test without making eye contact with anyone but when I used it I didn't get a very good sample. So I went back to a different drug store, re-tested and came back negative. Whewf! My palms are also covered in hives, I woke up on saturday with them on my palms, fore-arms, feet, and belly it's so weird. They said it was probably just an allergic reaction, but that was before I put two-and-two together about my period. That could be almost anything though, stress with school and family, hormones, weight loss/weight gain. The last 2 weeks have been binge filled so maybe that sudden change has influence? Who knows, if I make it to 2 weeks late then I'll go check in with my doctor. I did have some spotting about a week ago but it was barely anything...

Food wise I've still been very very naughty. Yesterday I had a bake-fest, which I am planning to do today, for the sheer reason that I now have nothing to fill my time with. School is over, I have yet to start looking for a job, I just want to be a degenerate slob for a while alright?! I've been lying in bed smoking pot out my window and cooking. I've finally conditioned myself into not even wanting food after I've told myself I'm allowed to have it. FINALLY. I don't know why I think this is such a good step but I feel like it will help me be good today. I am seeing J on Friday and I need to be down. I still don't know how bad the damage is, too scared to really know, but at least I have a few days to get back on track and that's exactly what I'm going to do. First I'm going to do a bunch of baking for J though. Yesterday I made snickerdoodle cookies, banana muffins, and marble cupcakes stuffed with peanut butter and chocolate icing. Today I'm going to make vanilla pound cake with vanilla bean buttercream frosting and blueberry compote, strawberry shortcake cupcakes with strawberry whip cream icing, and carrot cake mini cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. From scratch. I know, I've got my work cut out for me right?

I keep reminding myself that there will be a punishment for all of the eating I've done. I'm waiting for that shoe to drop. I'm just really afraid of being alone again I guess, and I'm struggling with my identity again. It's like now I've just gone back to the most primal of senses and identified solely with being 'female' and projected stereotype gender roles onto myself, needing to be the perfect home maker for my new man.

I think this new relationship has also shed a lot of light on the relationships of my past, in particularly Andrew of course. Even when I was so consumed with how much I loved him, I never saw a future for us. I wanted to be with him, so bad, but I could never see us in a functional relationship. I saw us desperately crashing into each other with passion after so much fighting. But when I look at J, I see what our lives together could be like. In my head I see him as my husband, as a father to my children. It's so weird, I've always made excuses for relationships not to work. I've foreseen the end before it even approaches but when I look at J, I see my future, and it's not so bad with him in it. I know, I'm getting ahead of myself, in a traditional head-over-heels fashion that I've adopted so well with this blog. I never, ever wanted a traditional type of life style. I was not interested in being a happy home-maker, stay at home soccer mom, but now maybe it's not so bad. I still have an enormous passion for travelling and discovery, but I can want both can't I? The scary thing is realizing what you want, and how obtainable it could be.

love always,

xoxo