Sherlock Holmes

Privacy and Secrecy hold the most value to me. I've been conditioned that when you reveal information to outsiders they will use it against you. When you were a kid and your parents punished you, they always took away the 'privileges' you had- watching television, playing computer games, using your cell phone. But they always chose the activity you enjoy the most... So to solve this problem I started pretending that I didn't like anything. Everything was of the same value, nothing held my interest longer or stronger than the next. When I was 'punished' I forced disinterest in whatever they told me I was not allowed to do, and accepted their punishment. "Okay."It confused the hell out of my parents and I loved it. They would blubber and stammer and try and take away more than one thing at a time but I kept my face stoic. I'd fake interest and admiration for things I really never gave two shits about, so when I got in trouble they would reprimand me by taking away my 'new toy'. I think this is how I lost my fear of consequences. Now I really could not care less. Whatever happens, whatever means, whatever ends... none of it really matters.

I have this odd sense of 'things will work themselves out'. I'd rather make a decision that would make my life harder, have harsher consequences, but KNOW exactly will happen - than try and work hard to do the right thing. It's the fear of the unknown that gets me every time. And this incredible sense of shame whenever I try and force myself to do work. I work up my anxiety and nerves in my head for weeks worrying about things so far off in the distant future that by the time they arrive I'm paralyzed in fear. Procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate until...shit, now I'm really fucked. "I'm such a piece of shit, I've been worrying about X for months and seen it coming and now I've fucked myself over." Instead of working to fix it, I'll give up and move on, relieve the anxiety and deal with the fall out, because at least I know exactly what that fall out is. I know what will be expected of me, I know my purpose and my job then.

 But the secrecy and privacy of hiding my mistake eats me alive. No one can know. It's far too embarrassing. "I can't do anything right." This is why my ED needs to be such a secret for me. I need the chance to solve this 'mystery' on my own. I desperately just want to understand how I got here, what it took, and what stepping stones I landed on without knowing it. I don't want to sit in a room and talk about my feelings and have labels thrown on me. I want to know how I started to believe the things I do, what events and decisions took place for me to feel this. If I can do that, then maybe I can help myself... but it has to be on my own. There's no other way around that. No one else can know, because otherwise it's all ruined.

Don't we all want to be this beautiful flower that everyone wants to stop and smell and pick out of the garden? But we never want anyone to see the paint we used to colour our petals when they became lifeless and dreary from lack of nutrition. We can't let them see the sticks we've tied our stems to, to keep us standing tall when our exhaustion has become too strong and standing straight on our own is not an option. It's a crutch we desperately try and paint invisible. Just trying to fix ourselves.

But how will any of us every know? Maybe we're chipped or half-rotten seeds, maybe the soil is too dry or our gardener too absent-minded. Do we really need to understand our past in order to prosper in our future?

love always,

xoxo