It's About Time For A Comeback

After an overwhelming response on my previous post about deleting my blog last month, I've decided to return; on my own terms.

But oh God, it feels great to be back...

I did try and start a new blog, but it didn't feel the same. Honestly after I stopped writing all things went to hell, and then got better in different ways. 

First I need to get this off my chest - my eating has been atrocious. I've been binging for the past week, non stop, some days not even bothering to purge because I am that lazy. I'm too scared to weigh myself, and I know that the second I see anything more than the last number's I saw (which were weeks ago) it will trigger me to binge and un-do everything. I don't know what happened, I just couldn't stop. I smoked weed all day long and could not stop eating. My mom would wake up in the mornings to a kitchen/war-zone and I would look at her innocently and mumble, "don't know how that happened" when I'm really so embarrassed I just want to hide.

Yesterday I fasted, all except for a few glasses of wine that I allowed myself to have because I was at a big family gathering for my uncles birthday, just 60 of his closest friends and my enormous family - wine was definitely needed. I felt pretty sick by the end of the night, kept everything down and stayed away from all of the finger food by busying myself with cleaning and making my rounds. I don't know what I should do for the next few days, if I should make a diet plan but none of my plans work. I only create them so I don't stop eating altogether, I create a reality in where at least some eating is somewhat okay. Everything feels wrong, bad, evil, dirty. I don't want any of it. Plus I've binged for so long and forced myself to eat foods I didn't even want at the time that food doesn't sound appealing. I'm just gonna go with it...

I've also met someone, his name is J. The funny thing is that the night I met him, I was going to meet that cute guy from my class. After moving on from PlanA to PlanX after nothing had really gone right, a friend and I ended up at one of our usual bars and that's where we met. He's great, very attentive which I love but is also so new for me. I've never had anyone watching me or have anyone to 'answer to' or 'explain myself' to. Sometimes it feels like I've been wearing a jacket 3X too small and I can't breathe. I get awful anxiety if I'm out of my house for too long or don't know how I will be getting home or have a plan so sometimes when we are together I get really nervous and freak out and just need to leave. I hate it because I can't explain it to him, and I know he takes it personally.

Last night I went out with him and a few of his friends for drinks after my family gathering. I was a bit spacey the whole night, had a lot in my head and had been really nervous about my family party. I told him I wanted to go home and he dropped me off but was distant. I texted him when I was about to go to bed and got the 'do you have a second to talk?' text. Great. Here we go. My heart leaps into my throat, a thousand different versions of how this could go flash in my head, alongside the memories of different variations that have actually happened. He just wanted to make sure I was okay... because I looked upset in the car like I was about to cry and he wanted to know if everything was okay. I let out my breath and then can't decide if it's appropriate to cry or laugh. I want to cry because I've been so conditioned that when anyone wants to 'talk to me' it's alwaysalwaysalways a bad thing. I automatically connect conversations with sadness, resentment, lonliness. And I want to laugh because the whole obsentiy of the situation is actually pretty hilarious. I feel like I am rediculous.

My family hasn't changed much. I have noticed that while I was binging I had little to no paranoia at all. Don't know what that tells us but I'm hoping it's a coincidence, and that the real reasons behind it are that my mom and sister are finally off of my back. Although yesterday my mom noticed I hadn't eaten all day, and made sure to ask me this morning if I ate at my uncles place because I hadn't eaten at all...  My sister and I are really really close now. She's dieting as well and I use 'dieting' loosely because even if she won't admit it I know she's purging and restricting. She's always told me since we were kids that she's been able to puke without hands, she even showed me one time with a piece of lettuce, so she's mostly puking up everything she eats. It's yo-yo dieting because she wants to fit into her dress for Grad. I'm keeping an eye on it and trying to help her as much as I can with keeping healthy, even in dangerous circumstances. But neither of us are talking openly about our eating issues and it needs to stay that way. I'm NOT going to coach my little sister in how to live a disordered life. I'm really hoping after grad she smartens up.

Last but not least, I want to thank every single person who commented or gave a thought to my blog, at any point because it has really meant so much to me. I couldn't tell you how much joy and excitement I get from reading everyone's thoughts and feedback. Thank you, I love each and every one of you beautiful people.

love always,

xoxo