When You're Lonely... Remember Ana is Always With You

Well, a new day... more time spent with Ana.
Does anyone else there in blogger world find it easier to fast than constrict?

It's as if just having a taste is too much temptation, it's easier for me to just avoid in general.

Lately I've been been keeping my days under atleast 300 cals.
Yesterday's stats
breakfast: 3 scrambled egg whites 51 cals
lunch: 1 kiwi 46 cals
dinner: home made carrot soup: roughly 150 cals
total: 247

I also have a habit for over estimating the amount of calories I consume if I'm in doubt. That way I'm not cutting myself any slack and I'm comforted by the fact that I know I've probably had less than that.

Also great TIP: with my kiwi I cut it into slices, then those slices into quarters. I allowed myself to have 1 peice every 5 mins, and it took me over an hour and a half to finish! I was satisfied by the flavour, and let the peice sit on my tongue to savour the moment of havin something with weight in my mouth. Plus I felt like I was eating constantly! I know this isnt a new tip but the 5 min rule is really great!
This morning I've done it with my yogurt (125 cals) and letting myself have a spoonful (just a thin layer on the spoon) every 5 mins and its taken me over an hour and a half and I'm not even finished! Plus it's better for your metabolism becuase your body will constantly be digesting something right?
Today for lunch I'm going to steam some zucchini (20 cals) with boiled spinach (portion: 100 cals) and a teaspoon of soy sauce (10 cals) TOTAL: 130 cals makin my total so far today 255 cals... I'm not sure what I will eat for dinner, maybe more of my carrot soup?
I'm thinking about heading to the grocery store to stock up on coke zero (which for all of you pro anas out there stuck on diet coke or diet soda I'd highly recommend switching to coke zero! Because your sugar levels control your hunger, you want to keep it regular. If you having something thats quite high in sugar like fruit or carbs, it won't keep you hungry very long because your sugar levels will spike then drop. When your levels drop it sends a signal to your brain saying that you are hungry! This is also a good reason to seldomly have fruit) and perhaps also some frozen peas. I have become addicteddd to split pea soup. I'll post the recipes for both soups I've mentioned at the bottom of my post. It's filling, and liquidy so I feel better about eating it (for some reason) and low cal packed with veggies, vitamins and minerals! yummm!

Feeling strong today... although the last few days I've seriously felt a binge coming on.. Guess this is one of the few advantages to living with a family that isn't your own. They don't really have a right to complain or tell me I need to eat more, and also I feel extremely uncomfortable perparing food (of any sort) infront of the mom. Whom I suspect as her own eating issues, although now she is 3.5 months pregnant so that kinda went out the window. We will call her Elisa. Nice enough women, although she was thin enough to be my daily thinspiration. Which was guilt tripping me every day in this country filled with pasta and fried zucchini flowers stuffed with mozerella and proscuitto. ugh. I was such a fat lard. But now I'm back on the path to Ana's heaven and nothing can go wrong!

The fact that Ana let me loose almost 40 pounds before is testimony that this WORKS! I know if I stick to it I can get back to that weight. Those times people would stop me daily at work and say 'Hey, have you lost more weight??" and I would smile to mysel and reply 'Mmm not much more since you've asked me last!" Loving the thrill that finally people were noticing. God life was so much easier when you are skinny. You can get anything you want, people are willing to do anything you ask, they look after you, it's amazing.
It's a little but fucked up to think of it from an anthropology point of view. But that's not my war. I'm not here to change the way every single person on this planet views humanity or women or their body image. Those are the rules and I'll play by them, no matter how much starving it takes.

All I keep thinking of is the look on Andrews face when he sees me home this summer. He doesn't even know I am coming home, nor does he know that I got into University on the other side of the country. I want to show him just how great I can be, and then take it away from him. The way he left me stranded. He can see the hot new skinny Jess, the one made of bones, floating and skipping away without a care in the world.

I guess  I should give you guys (if anyones even reading this) a little bit of background on Andrew and I. We dated in highschool, when I was 15, things were great, and then he cheated on me. I forgave him, being the peice of shit I am, and he still broke up with me, saying he didn't have enough time for a girlfriend. I understood, afterall he was a nationally ranked track and field athlete and rugby player. Less than a month later he ends up dating my bestfriends bestfriend. She was crazy. Like..wake up in the middle of the night with a knife pointed at you crazy. They dated for a few years. Fair eh?
After they broke up he got a job at the restaurant I worked at, I got to train him :) he he he. I loved it, being able to boss him around. We ended up getting rather close, and kept testing the line with how far we could go with making jokes and being touchyfeely without having to actually do shit. We cuddled, and he became the guy I called when I was just home by myself watching tv and wanted company. He often spent the night but just held me, never even tried more. It was nice. The more weight I lost, the more I could tell he was into me. Figures since skinny bitches always get the guy anyways. Mind you this was the time I was doing Blow like alot.
I remember one night, He was sleeping in my bed after I had thrown a house party and I was so fucked up I walked my friend home (45 min walk there 45 min walk back) and was freaking out not able to sleep and got him out of bed at 4 am to go on another hour and a half walk with me. He did. Without questions. That was the first night I had told him I was doing coke, and he didn't judge, asked questions just with general curiousity. And told me he cared about me. That was all I needed. He was amazing.
Obviously we hooked up a few times, I never slept with him because I didnt want that looming over my head before I left for Italy. Plus it left something for us to look forward to right? When I first told him about posisbly travelling he was sad, but sad nothing about his sadness in his typical Andrew-sense. Everything between us was a read-between-the-lines type of deal. Finally I left and he gave me the impresion he wouldnt be waiting while I was gone. Fine, I never asked him to. But we worked hard to keep our friendship going. Skyping every chance we got, which was usually his nightime when he was drunk and my mornings. He told me he loved me, and we joked about marriage and our future.
When I went home for Christmas I arranged this whole great encounter to see him for the first time with his best friend. He had no idea I was home early. He saw me, tripped out, and then continued to play video games. Left me standing in the middle of the room, without a hug or a hello. He then continued to ignore me the next 3 weeks that I was home and before I left I told him I was done. I knew that as soon as I retourned to Europe he would apologize for the ass he made of himself and the dick he was to me, but only because then I was far enough away to make him feel safe to say the things he never could when I was right infront of him, regardless as to how true they were. He threw a fit. Started yelling and screaming, told me he hated me. But I could hear just pure hurt, not hate in his voice. It broke my heart. I told him he made me feel like he never cared, and he said 'you couldn't be more wrong, this one went right over your head...' and deleted me out of his life. We havent spoken since January and I have no idea what is going on his life.
It's not until recently deciding to return home for the summer that my thoughts have turned towards him. Which I think is the motivation for loosing so much weight. When I left home for Italy I was a slim 122, when I returned I was in the high 130's. Clearly he still loved me, just not fat me right? So when I return skinnier as ever, or atleast as skinny as before or as close as I can get, I know he'll come back.
There's also another guy in the long term picture, Curtis. But he's in Afghanistan right now, finishing a 6 month tour that ends in June. Then we'll be together in the summer before he hopefully gets stationed somewhere near my university. It's hard having him away and in a place so dangerous. Does anyone else out there have a loved one fighting in the war?

Sorry lovelies this post was so long, but just think, the extra time it took to read this was just extra time you spent NOT eating right? ;)
stay strong & think thin
Anas Angel

PS add me on facebook
Ana Sangel
my profile photo is of me biting my lip haha :)

RECIPE FOR SPLIT PEA SOUP

equal parts frozen peas and water
1 zucchini, sliced and peeled
3 gloves of garlic ( a neg cal food :D )
1 onion sliced
sald and pepper to taste
boil zucchini, peas, onion, and garlic in the water for roughly 30 mins
Blend mixture until smooth
Enjoy!

RECIPE FOR CARROT SOUP
equal parts carrots and water
3 cloves garlic ( a neg cal food :D )
1 onion
1/3 cup ground ginger
boil carrots garlic onion and ginger for roughly 30 mins
blend mixture until smooth
Enjoy!

*** best part of these recipes is you can freeze/put in the fridge and enjoy later if you feel a binge coming on! They are super filling, low cal and packed with vitamins and minerals.***