Right Round The Merry Go Round

Ana it's good to see you again. I'm sorry I've pushed you away this whole time. I abandoned you as soon as I abondoned America. Look at where that has gotten me, a gluttonous pig. You transformed me one like a catapillar into a beautiful butterfly, and now that I have the taste of thin that is the only morsel I will let pass these lips of mine. Forgive me Ana, you gave me everything, I had it all, but I decided it wasn't enough. I wanted to be wordly, I wanted to be more. Now here I am in Rome, Italy and I'm on my knee's again praying to you, please..please..please Ana, do not let me gain...

My strugle with Ana and Mia has been on going for about 6 years now. It started when i was 14... and the boy I had been inlove with for a year wanted to be my 'first'. Suddenly I was CONSUMED with my body image. He was much more experienced, and I did not want to disappoint. So I started eating less, and less, and less, until eventually nothing at all. This all backfired on me as I drank so much with him I don't remember a thing, but we will get to that later.
Sometimes I will go days without eating, while other times I can go months without even giving it a second though, desperately trying to seem 'normal'. But I know Ana has bigger plans for me than just 'normal'. Anyone can be normal, but I am destined for greatness, I am destined to be thin. Because once I am thin, I KNOW that everything else will fall into place. Bad things just don't happen to pretty people, right? Once you look fragile enough to break with a gust of wind, and shatter into the million of peices you've seen in yourself all along, everyone around you will only want to help you, and hold you together...finally.
For me, I've noticed that my triggers of motivation revolve around acceptance, and the need to be wanted. I catch myself at times literally worrying that if I eat, something bad will happen to me, or someone I love. If I have a big test, or job interview, I turn that anxiety into motivation to not eat, because once I break my 'plan'... all hell breaks loose, and then who knows what could happen? Most of the time I put my will power on trial for a boy... Yeah, I'm so worthless I can't even manage to want to be thin for myself, I have to do it for someone else. Consumed with the fact that if I can get this one soul, this one human being to be twisted into my web, to care and love me through all my ups and downs.. then I win. But the only way to obtain this goal is to starve, starve, starve.
I feel like I have educated myself very well on the topic of 'dieting'. I've read every on line article, magazine clip out, dieting secret, and crash diet books that could ever exist. I think I am 'smart' about living with Ana. I know right.. 'um hellooo! you are starving yourself and making yourself throwup after eating.. ' but there are ways to do it in which are less dangerous.. I haven't decide how many of my tips I will share here.. We'll see how things go.
My last cycle with Ana and Mia was about a year ago I suppose... I didn't even see it coming. I went for a long bike ride with some friends in the summer and suddenly the next day my jeans were looser. Just after one afternoon of bike riding! (mind you it was about 12 km) I thought.. I like this feeling, maybe I'll just try and eat a little healthier... yeah, right. (it should also be noted that I weighed close to 160lb EW my HW... my normal weight before fluctuated around the 130/140's but I had a terrible break up and continued to gain weight from that) I actually managed to eat 'healthy' for a few months, slowly working excercise into my weekly routine. I worked at a restaurant at the time, so constantly running around for 8 hour shifts was great cardio as well :) As all you other pro-ana's out there, or anyone who has dealt with Ana/Mia or is in recovery knows, you can't simply dip your toes into the dieting pool... no matter what you tell yourself, She's always there like the little angel you turn to at night crying for help, and she whispers into your ear 'If you skip this one meal, you will be even skinnier. Isn't that what you want Jess?' and you obey. Because that's who you are. You listen to her everytime she calls. She's that voice in the back of your head when you stare at a plate of food you desperately want to taste. "You know you can't just have one bite, you are too weak. Throw the whole plate out. It will be worth it. Ignore how sick you feel and imagine how beautiful I will make you" Eventually I lost close to 40 pounds, making my LW 122. I was sure to make sure that my friends and family saw me eating, which became more difficult for my self-esteem because I was just SURE that regardless to how many times they enthusiastically told me, "You are soo skinny! You've lost so much weight, are you sure you are eating enough?" I knew that they were secretly thinking "Thank GOD that fat cow finally did something about her pear shaped body... Those hips were hideous... If only she could loose a few more pounds..should she really be eating that??" Everything I ate was dietsomething, sugarfreethis, fatfreethat, leancuisinemeals, or subway. God I LIVED off of subway. (CARBS you could actually let yourself have, YUM!)
My ED eventually dragged me across the line that at the time seemed like discovering the promised line. Blow. I tried it at first when I friend recommended it to me at a party after we couldn't find any X. "Hey, I know a guy who could get us some really good blow, if you're interested." And that was it. Once you've tried it, you think well why not again, it was fun right? Same with Mia.. "Well I can have a few bites of dinner to satisfy the peanut gallery at the table and then flush it all away" It becomes too easy. (PLEASE NOTE: I am not promoting using drugs in ANY way, this is simply my story) There seemed to be no down side. It gave me all the energy in the world to run around and burn calories, and took away my hunger completely, and was a dieuritic so it flushed all that junk outta my body anyways! Eventually it became as staple as taking my diet pills before meals. I was doing it alone in the handicapped bathroom at work (one time) and was making excuses to go out or go to parties to do it. It was more fun to party on blow than it was to drink, plus no calories!
Luckily I was able to see the problem in my habit, and knew that I needed to get out of the city, away from my party-going friends, away from my dealers. I had just taken a second year off of going to college, and wanted to travel. So my friend introduced me to aupairing. And here I am! In Rome, Italy looking after the most wonderful 20 month old baby boy. I was really happy for a while.. really, I was. But I missed Ana...and God..did Ana ever miss me.
Thrown into the land of pasta and carbs..lasagna and fried everything sent me into a whirlwind of panic when I went home for Christmas and the clothes I used to love puttin on and feeling that space inbetween my ribcage and the fabric, was suddenly stretched tight. Where my hip bones used to portrude so beautifully I now had a muffin top. "How did I ever let this happen to me?!" and the images of every food I had ever thought "Well, when in Rome!!" swirled around my head sending me into a dizzying frenzy to go stock up on diet soda and celery. Easy habits were easier to pick up in a familiar environment. I did loose, a bit. But as soon as I came back to Italy and all this wonderful food around me was placed, Ana's voice became more and more distant, and Mia and I grew closer.
Mia seems to always be a gateway into Ana's world for me. It starts with the guilt from eating even a 'healthy' sized portion of something...and it's so easy. Just pressing the magic buttons with my fingers that know the path oh so well..and it's almost as if nothing has happened. You can relax. The fear is gone. It wasn't digested. You are okay. Nothing bad will happen. It's gone. Eventually the guilt of spending so much time with Mia gets to me and Ana becomes my best friend, allowing Mia to take the backseat who I only call upon in desperate situations.

Here is where I am currently. I would love to post all my stats but as an au pair I do not own a scale. (For those of you who don't know: an Au Pair is a live-in Nanny, who looks after children and helps them learn english)
I can tell you I am 5ft6 1/2
LW 122
HW 160
CW ?
I wear a size 4 that stretches and is not as comfy as it was... I am most likely a size 6 now. I hate that number it seem so...average! That's now who I am.
I feel as if there is this beautiful little angel who is suffocating under all my fat inside of me. Ana is the only one who can save her. She says "She can't breathe under all that lard you keep stuffing onto her!!!! Won't you help her?!?!, help yourself!?" And who am I to say no?
The last few weeks I have been starving... I have also had a minor stomach bug that I've been using as an excuse to eat soup (processed cooked veggies and water) and tea. I can see the difference in the mirror but the exactness I don't know which is driving me C-razzyyyy.
I think this has been triggered by my decision to head home June 30th. That gives me roughly 10 weeks to slim down and not become the stereotype. The last thing I want my friends or ex's to think is 'oh she went to italy and came back a whale..typical..she never was strong enough to say no, stupid slut'
So here I am... getting dizzy from this merry go round. Just praying to Ana to will everything to be okay when I go home. I only have 8 weeks in the city until I leave for University, at which I know I can get away with not eating so much easier. It's also the summertime back home and that means bikini season, yikes!  Any of you pro-ana's or ladies in general out there get that feeling in your stomach that suddenly doesn't feel hungry anymore as soon as you think about your swimsuit? yep. I'm also thinking alot about my ex..whom left me with somewhat of an unsaid ultimatium before I left for Italy. Leave America, Leave Me. Since coming back from Christmas he has deleted me out of his life, and I have done the same. I'll call him *Andrew. The guilt of dangling myself infront of him when he can't have me was hard...and deep down Ana kept telling me I wasn't good enough for him. I didn't deserve him...yet? Maybe after I show her how hard I am willing to work, good things will come to me....
send me some feedback if you like, but please know that any negative hate mail will be promptly discarded. I'd love to get some support and dive into the community that is Pro-Ana.
until later...
starve on & stay strong
Ana's Angel