I'm here but am I back?

It's been ages, yes I know. Berate me all you want, I deserve it. I'm sorry I left. But I'm writing and I'm here and all of you are in my heart and thoughts.

I'm trying not to use my scale anymore, trying not to focus on numbers, trying to focus on being healthy, trying to focus on being positive. But every time I decide to eat something I suddenly need to eat everything and I'm doubled over the toilet 2 or 3 times a day. The exception to this routine is when I stay at J's house over the weekend, to which I will fast all Friday (except for maybe breakfast) then cook us dinner and have a tiny portion. Then as close to fasting I can get away with. Yesterday I ate nothing all day but a slice (1/8th) of a peach at about 9:30pm. Today I've had edammame and an Americano and I'm cooking up some tofu for dinner.

With school starting I feel safer fasting. Nothing wrong or bad or evil will happen as long as my body is clean and pure. If I am perfect, my life will be; the power of my will. But my life isn't perfect, and no matter how much or many amazing things I seem to incorporate into my life and fight for, it never seems to satisfy this need to starve. It's the high. If I can't starve I'll have as much coffee as I can get, and if I'm bping I'm stoned out of my mind. It's so unhealthy and I know that. The part that scares me is knowing that this can kill me and that will take me away from J. I don't want to lose him, or be without him, or put him through that.

Yesterday we had a huge talk and how little I eat really bothers him. When he told his mother that I am a vegetarian the first thing she asked him is "is she anorexic?" When he told me that, my heart leaped and I tried to seem insulted and disgusted. He hasn't asked me, or addressed it persay, but I have a feeling deep in my gut that in the back of his mind he knows, but is too afraid to address it or confront me. I needed to talk to him last night because he tends to make comments about me and my appearance and it puts me down. The first thing he'll say to me when he sees me is a negative comment about my clothing or appearance in someway, usually either a stain or a hole or my shoes or what not. But I don't take criticism very well, especially from someone whose opinion and view of me matters SO much. He didn't quite understand, because he means them light-heartedly and never thought that I would be so hard on myself. I can see how it kills him that he insults me without thought; "I just thought you'd slap me on the butt and laugh it off and tell me to shutup or something" I get it, but it doesn't change how it makes me feel. I know I'm sensitive and thats something I need to work on, but now I worry that because I addressed all of this, it just further gives him evidence into the world of my insecurities...

But my God you guys, I have to tell you how in love I am with this boy. It just feels like this is where I am meant to be, always with him; and when I am with him, I swear I can see our lives together. But I grew up in such a way where you need to protect the things you love most, lest they be taken from you for punishment. I don't want Ana to punish my naughty behaviour by taking him away. The irony is that it is this habit that comes between us. My disinterest is translated to disinterest, not love. But I show love by pretending I don't love. Weird right? He gets it, and I think it further helps him understand me. He is so good with me. Last night he just told me all of the reasons why he loves me. In the back of my mind, my worry was that he doesn't know me well enough to love me. Because I'm so secretive and have all of these characters I play. But when he described this person that he is so in love with and why he is in love with her and describing her with specific examples and he was so spot on with who I am, I knew this was real. I just want to be the best for him, because thats what he deserves.

Andrew and I still talk, though infrequent. We were actually supposed to hang out tonight but something got in the way on his end so we've rescheduled. Seeing him makes me happy. I feel like no matter what I do or say or how I act or interact will not change a thing about our relationship. I can do anything and we have a great time together. But I love J, and he knows it and I would never do anything to jeopardize that, even with Andrew. Andrew can see just how happy I am, and I see a bit of jealousy in his eyes and it makes me sad for him. Because I know how badly he is hurting and I wish I could help and heal him. For now this is all though.