In The Game

Thanks Ayden for your comment! Getting the notification was exactly the reminder I needed to prompt my butt back into writing here. Especially after last nights slip up, a chocolate bar, rice with soy sauce and cake-in-a-mug... ughh... Plus I had sushi at my boyfriends house (veggie roll and avocado roll) But I'm more or less almost positive that I purged up everything else I had consumed that day, besides part of a healthy omlette I made for breakfast ( 200 cals )

So today I am fasting, because I need the high to remind me why I do this. I need that high, that escape, to be a different girl. One who is in control and can stop herself and is capable.

The funny thing is, you would usually assume that binges are brought on by stress or a trigger or what have you, but lately I've actually been quite happy! Things with J and I are still wonderful. We have our areas we need to work on sure, mostly me just being more comfortable with sharing and talking about stuff with him, but he really does mean the world to me. We've already booked a trip to Mexico for our 6 month anniversary in 3 weeks!!! :) I am over the moon excited. I spent the weekend away from home with my mom and sis visiting family and we stopped by victoria secret so that I could pick up a new swimsuit. Here is the one I bought, but in dazzling white to show off a great new tan ;)

Obviously this trip has been feeding my motivation for loosing weight. I have gotten my shape back, my legs look fantastic if I do say so myself, still need work on my upper inner thighs, but I now have a gap even when I'm sitting!! It feels so great to feel thin again, thin and empty. I feel so much more limber, like I can coil up into any shape I want, as if I'm made of rubber because there is nothing blocking me, no lump of food inside me that will crease. I just really need work on my stomach, gotta start hitting those sit ups!! It's always been a trouble spot for me, and BPing really doesn't help because then I just get all stretched out and jiggly.

J has noticed more how little I eat. He even used the "A" word once. He said it. Anorexic. I just can't seem to eat in front of him, last nights sushi was an exception, I'm not sure how that works but sometimes it's like something else takes over, I become someone else or break character and then I can eat a bit. I'm trying to do a good job of convincing him otherwise, I cook a lot so that helps, and I don't think he really meant it, it's just when he sees me avoid food all together, if I have a small bit, no matter how small he shuts up.

I hung out with Andrew about 2 weeks ago. We went to the beach and smoked a joint and just caught up. Him and Mary really aren't doing well, and I hate to say (well, not really... :) ) that it made me feel even more proud of my relationship with J. It was an amazing feeling to be able to say with honest confidence that I'm happy with him and we are so good together. We just seem to be on the same page with almost everything. It was good to see Andrew now, because I can really see what a real, honest good relationship is and how warped things were with him. I still care so much for the guy, but I know that what I was asking of him was not to move mountains, and that it wasn't my fault. That's such a relief.

I haven't been able to weigh myself yet. I just feel like I'm in an okay place finally and I have such connotation attached to those numbers that I don't want to apply just yet... tomorrow morning I promise I will and I will post an update. I just need to make it through today on empty...

love always,

xoxo