Hate

I hate this, I fucking hate this. After everything he has fucking done to me, he can still bring me to tears, because I miss him. God I wish he was different, I wish so bad things were different. I wish he wasn't who he is, and that I could trust him and have a relationship with my father. I wish I could have a dad again. It's fathers day and I've forgotten what it feels like to have a father. And I can't help but wonder if I ever will remember. I hate this so much. I'm so angry at myself for feeling this way, I don't know how to help myself. It's not like I can just go up to him and tell him that. It makes me weak, it makes me pathetic. Don't bother telling me I'm human and that we have emotions, I know that. But if I become any more weaker and decide to somehow get enough courage to somehow try and change how things are, then Pandora's box is officially opened. I would be living in constant fear, all over again. Not knowing what will set him off, not knowing his tells anymore, because he's changed them all now. Not knowing how he will react, or what is real, what is fake, what he means and what he is doing just for show. The words in his birthday card were just too much. I really really can't take this anymore. Part of me worries that he will charm J, just like he does everybody. Even though I've told him many stories, charisma is a powerful thing. And they are just so damn alike it kills me. Because when I'm with J, I look at him and see all the good I once knew in my dad, the things I had forgotten to miss. The way he walks, his laugh, his mannerisms and sense of humour and sheer utter oblivion. I'd pushed anything positive about him out of my mind because I couldn't cope. He was evil, pure evil. He can't be part bad, part good, or that leaves too much margin for the unknown. It needs to be black and white. But who will walk me down the aisle? Your father is supposed to be the first man in your life who protects you, who teaches you that you are worth protecting and instead mine just attacked me for years. It seem so unfair. I fucking hate it. J knew something was wrong before he left. I told him to go, even though I couldn't even unwrap my arms from him. He knew. The second I locked the door behind him I burst into tears. Quiet, breathless tears, and then uncontrollable low-growling sobs of hysteria: the sounds of breaking down. I'm all alone until tomorrow night. I have 2 really important job interviews tomorrow morning. I have zero confidence, no idea what to wear, no motivation to get myself across town, and I hate myself for being like this.


The only thing worse than wondering if I can forgive him, is living every day wondering if I really know who he is.