Characters

I'm never really sure how to start these posts. Sometimes they feel like a diary, sometimes like a collection of memories begging not to be forgotten. Other time's it's a medical chart of hieroglyphics desperately trying to be understood.

My mind keeps changing and I don't know who to be anymore. Things are getting harder to keep track of and sometimes it feels like my mind is splitting. Like I'm trying to be too many characters in one day,  but it gets confusing. Who I am with my family, who I am with my friends, who I am with my boyfriend. Boyfriend. Now theres a funny word. I've had lots of boy friends, but it's hard to say who even those I've been romantic with have been my boyfriend. I don't really know who to be or how to act anymore and I can tell its frustrating the people around me. I need at least an hour alone before meeting anyone to prepare myself, get into character. I smoke pot to relieve my nerves, and combine them with caffeine pills for the energy and mood boost. How much longer can I go on like this? J tells me he worries because I don't sleep at night at his place, I don't know what to do about that. He worries, and it bothers him, and that bothers me. I couldn't care less about my REM cycle, except that I feel like crap all day long.

Tonight is my birthday party, I've been starving all week in preparation. But my friends that are gathering tonight all love a different girl, all me, all different. It's all crashing together and it's dizzying. Andrew was supposed to come, but he isn't anymore, probably for the best. But thinking back on it now, having him there would immediately put me at ease, followed by panic, I'm sure. J knows nothing about him and I'd like to keep it that way, fresh and clean. But when I see Andrew something like a reset button gets pushed. When I see J it's like I can breathe again, like I can relax. But I catch myself at times getting too caught up with wanting to take care of him, and please him, and impress him. I want to be the best for him, and in some sense I can see the greatness of that. He gives me motivation, something I seriously lack. He fills that gap. And I show him how to enjoy life, he can be so serious sometimes. He's told me that he thinks I am good for him. I think we are good for each other.

It's scary, opening up to another person. Especially one I have only known for 3 months. I don't even talk to friends I've known my entire life like I do with him. It's a lot of trust for me, and I don't know how to put that in perspective for him without making myself sound like a lunatic. I hide details because I hate how they sound out loud, because I don't want to be that girl. Sunday is my family dinner for my birthday, on my dads side of the family. My sister and mother are gone all weekend, so it will just  be my grandparents, father and Claire, my uncle, me and J. He has heard the stories about my father, the memories that play on a loop when I close my eyes. The constant fear and panic I try and push aside when I need to relax. I worry about what might happen at dinner. J got really upset when I told him the story about the glass. I just need things to go smoothly.

All I think about are all these worries, and food. Numbers and portions and food groups and nutrients it's easier to focus on those simple emotionless subjects than on the complications of my personal life. It's a distraction, fed into by my highly avoidant personality.

Here we go.

love always,

xoxo