More of the Same

I've had the flu the last few days, so my eating has been minimal. I'm trying to encourage myself to eat to keep up my strength, but I can't help but use this as another excuse to refuse food. I really really want to get better though so I can spend sometime with J. He was sick earlier in the week but we went to a movie and I think I must have caught it from him. Infections hit me harder than other people, same with medication, my body is just over sensitive and I have a chronic thyroid condition that lowers my immune system plus my ed = a very weak body.

I'm going completely stir-crazy in my house. All I do is sit in bed or on the couch all day. It's been hard because I get very lonely. Back in December, I would have given anything to be left alone. But now people around people seems safe again. I can't eat in front of people, for 2 different reasons. One, I suspect that a number of certain people know/suspect I have an ed and in my head, eating in front of them would be failing, I would fail at being anorexic. The other is pure shame, I know they are thinking in their heads that I shouldn't be eating that. So if I surround myself with people then I can avoid food. Normally I would have passed all this time with cooking or baking but luckily I don't have the strength for it. Yesterday I had to sit on my kitchen floor while my soup microwaved because I was too weak to stand, I can't make it up a flight of stairs either and I am constantly short of breath. It's this nasty cough, I can't wait to shake it.

The good thing is that yesterday I weighed in at 125.6 lbs but this morning I weighed in at 128.0 lbs. I think it's because my stomach still had a bit of food in it from the night before (I ate an entire cantaloup, but the only other thing I ate was some of my mashed cauliflower) so I was anticipating a bit of a gain, which although torturous, does make it a bit easier. Today I've upped my protein intake, which I suspect might make me gain a bit, because I lost muscle mass and not fat. My day has looked like:
mashed cauliflower - 40cals
1 veggie patty - 110 cals
scrambled eggs with light cheese - 150 cals
watermelon slushie - 80 cals
2 crystal lights - 20 cals
Total: 400 cals


That's the most I've consumed in 3 days, yesterday I made a smoothie with 1 small banana and 5 strawberries and sipped it throughout the day. Nothing else.

I'm glad to be back where I was. I love wrapping my arms around my torso and seeing how far they go, and how bones feel underneath me. It's the weirdest thing. But it's also frustrating to think that when it was months ago when I first saw 128 on the scale, and I'm still there. My birthday is in 5 weeks and I'd like to set a goal: I want to weigh 115 lbs on my birthday. That will be the smallest I've been since 8th grade maybe. Even the last round with Ana, the lowest I saw was 119 briefly. I can't wait to get there again. I just want to be the very best for J.

My relationship with J has been going well. I really like him, and he's held my interest this long. A big concern of mine however, is loosing myself in him. I'm so terrified that the same thing with Andrew will happen with J, that I've got some idea in my mind of how he is feeling and what we are doing and in the end all my dreams get crushed. We haven't had the 'are we officially dating' talk yet, but it also feels redundant in a lot of ways. It feels like we met and just instantly started dating. I was hoping we would be able to talk about it this weekend, maybe tomorrow if I'm feeling better I'll go to his house. I just don't want to THAT girl you know? I want him to tell me that I'm his, and no one else's, and he's mine. I guess maybe I've just been feeling a bit disconnected from him since we haven't spent much time together this week, it really sucks. I've noticed that at the beginning of relationships I hold back, usually because I fall hard and quick and I know it's not safe. But the second I release my breath and think that things will be fine, they fall apart and I'm left broken. I'm still holding my breath with J, and it's making me dizzy...

Being in this house alone gives me too much time to think. My over-analytical mind is working in over drive and I can't even smoke pot to calm my anxiety with this cough. I feel like a small child again, who just wants to be held and looked after and told that she's loved. I'm craving some kind of human connection, just to be touched, held, something. It makes me feel weak, weak and needy, and I don't like it.

love always,

xoxo