Don't Bring Me Down

 I haven't written a post in quite a while, I'm still here and reading though. I guess I haven't had much to say recently... things are still going beautifully with J, it just keeps getting better and better with him and I can't stop smiling. When he kisses me, he tells me that I have this faint little smile on my face after and it's so involuntary I don't realize I'm doing it. I love that about him, how attentive and perceptive he is. We notice the same things, interpret in the same way, it's like we are the only two people in the world who speak the same language sometimes.

It was a long weekend here for me, which means he had the day off of work yesterday and so we spent the entire 4-day weekend together. It was the longest block of time we've spent with each other non-stop. Normally I would lose my shit, I need my space, I need my privacy, I need to just get away for a while. But I feel so safe with him, and on saturday I even slept the entire night in his arms without feeling like I was suffocating or subconsciously rolling away in the middle of the night. I can never sleep at his place, be it his awful futon of a bed, or his office-sized room located directly behind the kitchen, or the unfamiliar sounds and feeling of another body lying next to me, whatever. But here's the thing: It's getting better... something I never thought I would hear myself say.


The more time I spend with him, I notice these small little quirks, and it sends me into a flood of memories of my dad. J has the same work-mentality my father does. He is very ambitious and driven and is (in my opinion) too hard on himself. He is an engineer so his work can get quite stressful, and just a few days ago he got a really big promotion to run his entire plant. He's 26, and still doesn't feel like this is cause for celebration. Oh well, my mother still put together a roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy style dinner to congratulate him, which I thought was really nice. Luckily being a vegetarian gets me out of most foods, so I had some broccoli and mushrooms with peppers. Dessert was angel food cake and berries, thank you mom for having the forethought not to get a giant chocolate ice cream monstrosity that I would later just purge. J eats very healthy as well, almost disordered in a few ways but I'm pretty sure his poor habits really do revolve around 'forgetting to eat' and 'being too busy' because he is always on the go. And when he does eat, he eats pretty normally, just not lots of sweets or processed/junk food. This makes it easier on me when we go out because he won't ever choose a place to go that wouldn't have any safe food there for me. I also cook for us, a lot. So it gives me control over what goes into the food and how it is prepared. I can say that this has definitely helped my eating become 'more normal' over the past monthish. (read: by no means are my eating habits normal at all again, but I've started incorperating lots of different foods, still keeping my portions Ana sized and making sure my numbers are where they should be)

I haven't weighed myself in weeks. I don't want to know. I don't want to be obsessing over 2 pounds that no one else will really notice if they are there or not. If I start putting on weight that I can see, or my clothes start fitting tight or 'not right' in my eyes, I starve. But I also try and make the best effort to appear normal, especially in front of J. My size 4 jeans are still quite loose, my 26's are still loose, and though I have started to lose a bit of muscle definition in my legs just from a lack of working out, I'm okay with it. For now.

J is always so good with me and complimenting me. It makes me feel so beautiful. On sunday morning I made him and I both omelettes for breakfast. His was ham and cheddar cheese, mine was sauteed onions and mushrooms with light cheese and spinach. My entire omelette had under 200cals but was quite a large size and when I sat down with him he goes, 'such a big plate of food for such a tiny little girl! You sure you're going to be able to finish that??" mocking me a bit, and I loved it. I ate normally, controlled everything that was in my food, and had a nutritious low cal breakfast. Or once we were going through pictures of me on facebook (which he does not have, and refuses to use but wanted to see my life) once we had gone through every last one he pulls me on top of him, looks into my eyes with a smile on his face and says, "Maybe sometimes I take this for granted but you are absolutely gorgeous" or if he can't fall asleep and I rub his back to help him relax he says 'I can't help it, I can remember what's lying next to me and I just want to take you right now'. He really is so amazing. It's funny how I link up small things he does with my father's behaviour, because he tells me a lot of the little habits I do, remind him so much of his mother, even verbatim to some of my answers to his questions. They do say that biologically you are attracted to those that remind you of your parents.

For a while I was holding my breath there, waiting for the other shoe to drop. We still haven't had the real 'are we dating' talk yet, but I've introduced him as my boyfriend in front of him without correction and he's referred to me as his girlfriend so thats that. I feel like I can breathe. Like maybe I can trust this. I'm always worried that if I open up a bit too much about something he's going to see how damaged, broken and a bit crazy I am and run off. I'm so worried he would leave me. Not in reality, I know it's far-fetched and illogical but the fear of abandonment and being all alone is the only negative floating around my brain the last while. Yet every time I cry in front of him (which I absolutely can NOT stand, I do NOT cry in front of people, that is now how my father raised me) he is nothing short of perfect. Brushing away my tears, kissing my face and holding me telling me that I'm human and he wants to see me cry, because it's part of who I am and life. I've told him a few things about my dad, he gets it. But sometimes when he asks all these questions it becomes too hard to turn my brain off and a movie of memories won't stop playing and I get to wrapped up in it I forget where I am or what I'm doing and I go quite; blank. But I can't talk about it, so I pretend I'm okay which just pisses J off. It's getting better, but it's still really hard.

It just feels right when I am with him. It feels like it should. Like everything fits together. Everything will be okay. Everything will work out. When I look at him, I hear myself thinking "I am so in love with you already" and when I look into his eyes or catch him stealing a look at me while driving I can see it caught up in his throat and it makes my heart burst. I have never been this happy, felt this valued and worthy, felt so loved.

love always,

xoxo